504.Q. Why do birds go south in winter?
A. Because it is easier than walking.
504. Q. Why did the boy eat his homework?
A. Because his teacher told him it was a piece of cake.
503. Q. Who invented fire?
A. Some bright spark.
502. Q. What did the bee say to his wife as he got back from work.
A. Honey, I'm home.
501. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she told her mate. "Eve, honey, you're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You know you're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded. "Counting your ribs," said Eve.
500. Answering Machine Recording: You have reached the breast self-examination hot line. Please press 1 now... Now press the other one."
499. A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, "When did you bag him?"
The host said proudly, "That was three years ago, when I went hunting with my ex-wife."
"What's he stuffed with," asked the visiting hunter.
"My ex-wife." replied the hunter.
498. "Nice threads, man," commented Donald when his buddy showed up one day in a snappy new suit. "Where'd you pick 'em up?"
Richard beamed. "My wife got them for me. Pretty sharp, huh?"
"I'll say. What was the occasion?"
"Got me," admitted Richard with a cheerful shrug. "I came home from work early the other day and there they were, hanging over the chair in the bedroom."
497. Once upon a time, there were four people; Their names were Everybody, Somebody, Nobody and Anybody.
Whenever there was an important job to be done, Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.
When Nobody did it, Everybody got angry because it was Everybody's job.
Everybody thought that Somebody would do it, but Nobody realized that Nobody would do it.
So consequently Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done in the first place.
496. I actually kept my mammogram appointment. I was met with, "Hi! I'm Belinda!" This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, "All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?"
I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science."
Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.
With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?"
Fine, I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off?
My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other boob wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when we heard, then felt a zap! Complete darkness and the power went off!
"Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag." Belinda headed for the door.
"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?" I shouted.
Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy! The door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back."
Before I could shout "NOOOO!" she disappeared.
And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extra- ordinaire, found me, half-naked and part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life, and the other part smashed between glass!
After exchanging polite "Hi, how's it going" type greetings, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.
Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible "Uh, yes, yes I did thanks."
"You bet, take care" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.
Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh I am sooo sorry!" The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"
And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps...
495. A priest was sent to a very small church in the backwoods of Alaska. After a couple of years, the Bishop decided to pay the priest a visit to see how he was doing.
The priest said that it was a really lonely job and that he couldn't have made it without his Rosary and two martinis each day.
With that, the priest asked the Bishop, "Would you like to have a martini with me?"
The Bishop replied, "Yes, that would be nice."
The priest turned around and hollered towards the kitchen, "Rosary, would you fix us two martinis please!" -=-=-=-=-
494. A guy and a girl are lying in a bed after just having sex. The girl lays on her side of the bed and rests. The guy goes to his side of the bed and says to himself, "Man, oh Man, I finally did it! I'm no longer a virgin."
The girl overhears him talking to himself and asks, "Are you saying you lost your virginity to me?"
"Well," the guy explains, "I always wanted to wait until I was with the woman I love to lose my virginity."
Astounded, the girl replies, "So you really love me?"
"Oh, God no!" the guy says. "I just got sick of waiting."
493. The district attorney was cross-examining the murderess on the witness stand.
"And so after you had poisoned the coffee and your husband sat at the breakfast table partaking of the fatal dosage, didn't you feel any qualms? Didn't you feel the slightest pity for him knowing that he was about to die and was wholly unconscious of it?"
"Yes," she answered. "Come to think of it...there was just a moment when I sort of felt sorry for him."
"And, when was that?"
"When he asked for the second cup."
492. A young boy knows about sex and where babies come from because his mother told him that "the man puts his penis inside the woman and she gets pregnant."
A few days later, after pondering this for some time, the boy asks in all the innocence and wonder of a child, "Does the man ever get his penis back?"
491. Ladies - Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Real Woman - Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink. You might still have the headache, but who cares?
Ladies - Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
Real Woman - Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on the couch in your bathrobe, with your feet up, eating it anyway.
Ladies - To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
Real Woman - Buy boxed mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
Ladies - When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
Real Woman - Go to the bakery - they'll even decorate it for you.
Ladies - If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
Real Woman - Go ask the very cute neighbor guy to do it.
And finally the most important tip....
Ladies - Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
Real Woman - Leftover wine??
490. A dyslexic man walks into a bra...
489. Father O'Maley checks estimates for the flower decoration of the altar.
The catholic florist - $300. "Too expensive" moans the priest.
The protestant florist - $250. "No, it would not be right to buy at another Christian believer, especially as the price difference is rather small."
Solly Goldberg -$ 75. Religion or economics?
After much consideration, Solly gets the contract.
On Easter Sunday morning, Goldberg's men deliver the flowers: wonderful roses, azaleas, camellias, tulips and carnations.
O'Maley's last reservations are discarded.
When the parishioners arrive in the church, they see the magnificent flower arrangement and a ribbon with the inscription:
"Jesus has risen! But the prices at Goldberg's always stay the same."
488. A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family , so call me The President.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the key- hole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.'
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'
The little boy replies, 'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.
487. These two girlfriends are very close, allowing them to be totally honest with each other.
As one fidgeted in front of the mirror one evening before a date, she remarked, "I'm fat."
"No, you're not," the other scolded.
"My hair is awful."
"It looks just fine."
"I've never looked worse," she whined.
"Yes, you have," her friend replied.
486. Laws of Life:
* Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.
* Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.
* The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.
* Miller's Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what happens.
* First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you'll want to be doing some- thing else.
* Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references.
* The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.
* Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.
485. My neighbor's young son swallowed a quarter, a dime and a nickle. He was rushed to the hospital.
The next day I asked my neighbor how his son was doing, and he replied, "No change yet".
484. I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the shopping center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my puppy had fresh air. She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.
I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? "Stay! Stay!"
The driver of a nearby car, a pretty young blonde lady, gave me a strange look and said, "Why don't you just put it in park?"
483. A furniture salesman decided that he wanted to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris, France to see what he could find. After arriving in Paris (this being his first trip ever to the French capital), he met with some manufacturers and finally selected a line that he thought would sell well back home in the States.
To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the one other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.
Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair. He invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language so, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her.
After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.
Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, he has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.
482.A researcher is doing a study on the sexual habits of trailer park denizens in Alabama. He finds one family with 12 kids and decides to ask the mother some questions.
"Ma'am," he asks, "Don't take this the wrong way, but do you know anything about contraceptives?"
"What the hell're yu a talkin' 'bout?" is her reply.
"Okay, well, for instance... what do you and your husband use when you're having sex? Do you use condoms? A diaphragm? IUD?"
"Nah," she replies. "We get along fine just a usin' my ol' man's pecker."
481. As I serviced an alarm system at a jewelry store recently, the saleswoman let me know that the store was having a 20 percent off sale.
"I bet your girlfriend would love it if you bought her something." she suggested.
"I don't have a girlfriend," I answered.
"No girlfriend? Why not?"
"My wife won't let me."
480. "We can stay out late tonight," Joe told his friend Bob. "My wife's gone for a two-week vacation in the Caribbean."
"Jamaica?" Bob asked.
"No, it was her idea." [groan....]
479. A father and his 6 year-old son attended a horse auction. The father decided to check out a horse prior to bidding.
The father ran his hands up and down the horse's legs, face, and rump. The little boy asked, "Dad, what are you doing?"
The father replied, I'm interested in buying this horse and I'm checking it out."
The little boy's eyes became as big as saucers and he blurted out, "Dad, we have to go home now!"
The father was puzzled and asked him, "Why do we have to go home right this minute?!"
The boy replied, "Because, the UPS man was there yesterday and I think he wants to buy Mom!"
478. A farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door and a shapely 30 something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door.
He raised his basket To show her the peaches and asked, 'Would you like to buy some peaches?'
She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, 'Are they as firm as this?'
He nodded his head and said, 'Yes ma'am,'' and a little tear ran from his eye.
Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, 'Are they nice and pink like this?'
The farmer said, Yes,' and another tear came from the other eye. Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, 'Are they as fuzzy as this?'
He again said, 'Yes,' and broke down crying.
She asked, 'Why on earth are you crying?'
Drying his eyes he replied, ''The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn, and now I think I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches.'
477. One day Timmy was in his back yard digging a hole. His neighbor, seeing him there, decided to investigate. "Whatcha doin?" he asked.
"My goldfish died and I'm burying him," Timmy replied.
"That's an awful big hole for a goldfish, ain't it?" asked the neighbor.
"That's because he's inside your cat!"
476. I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so.
I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the corner pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.
She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.
I honestly answered, 'No, this is my first time.' So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.
'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.
Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.
As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'
So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few minutes.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked.
I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.
She fainted.
475. The district attorney was cross-examining the murderess on the witness stand.
"And so after you had poisoned the coffee and your husband sat at the breakfast table partaking of the fatal dosage, didn't you feel any qualms? Didn't you feel the slightest pity for him knowing that he was about to die and was wholly unconscious of it?"
"Yes," she answered. "Come to think of it...there was just a moment when I sort of felt sorry for him."
"And, when was that?"
"When he asked for the second cup."
474. A golfer stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. Looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed--driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, man, you'll never hit her from here!"
473. A Texan, an Englishman and a Frenchman are having a drink.
The Texan says, "I know this bar in Dallas that if you buy one drink the next one is on the house."
The Englishman says, "That's great but I know a bar in London where if you buy a drink the next two are on the house."
The Frenchman says, "Big deal, in Paris there is a bar where all the drinks are free and they take you in back to get you laid".
The Texan and the Englishman are intrigued. "Where is this wonderful bar?", asked the Englishman.
"I don't know", replied the Frenchman, I've never been there. But my sister goes all the time".
472. Two men lost their long-time drinking buddy to alcoholism. At the funeral, as they passed by the open casket, one remarked to the other, "Gee, Sam sure look good, doesn't he?"
The other replied, "Well, he ought to; he hasn't had a drink in 3 days."
471. The recently married young woman was weeping and pouring out her heart and troubles to the church's appointed marriage counselor.
"Isn't there some way, without turning into a nag, that I can keep my husband in line?"
The counselor scowled. "Well young lady," he said, "maybe that's the problem, Your husband shouldn't have to wait in line."
Ponder on these imponderables for a minute:-
470. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
469. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
468. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
467. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
466. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
465. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
464. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
463. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
462. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
461. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
460. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
459. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
458. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
457. What hair color do they put on the driver's licence of bald men?
456. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
455. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
454. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
453. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
452. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
451. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
450. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea, does that mean that one enjoys it?
449. Why if you send something by road it is called a shipment, but when you send it by sea it is called cargo?
448. If a convenience store is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the door?
447. A horse went into a bar, the bar tender looked at it and said "why the long face"?
446. I started off with nothing and I still got most of it left.
445. An old man in the road turned to a young man and said "Can you see me across the road"? The young man crossed the road and shouted back "I can see you".
444. A Card seen in a newsagent. Rottweiller for sale. A year old. Eats anything. Fond of children.
443. A jogger goes past a man sitting on a bench crying his eyes out. "What is the matter"? says the jogger."I am a multi million air, have a yaught, a large car, a big house and a beuatiful wife that makes me happy" said the crying man. "What is the matter then" said the jogger. The man replied "I have forgoten where I live"
442. Two moles were underground. They had an overwhelming exciting time together. After a rest one mole turned to the other and said "Did the earth move for you?"
441. Q. Where are the Andies?
A. At the end of your wristies.
440. Daddy balloon and mummy balloon wanted baby balloon to grow up so they put him in another bed in another room. At eleven o'clock baby balloon woke up and quietly moved back to mummy and daddy balloons room.
He could not squeeze between them so he gently let some air out of daddy balloon.
He got partly in and so let some air out of mummy balloon and this got him further in.
Finally he let some air out of himself and got right between his parents and snuggled to sleep.
In the morning, daddy balloon said "You naughty naughty baby balloon. Last night you let daddy balloon down, mummy balloon down and yourself down.
439. Actual writing in hospital notes.
The patient refused autopsy.
The patient has no previous history of suicides
Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital
Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.
Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
She is numb from her toes down.
While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
The skin was moist and dry.
Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
Skin: somewhat pale, but present.
The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities
When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
The patient was in his usual state of good health until his Airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
The patient was to have bowel resection. Hovever, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was was feeling better.
438. Q. How do you start a pudding race? SAYGO
437. I was sitting down in a barbers shop while he was dealing with me and I said to him.
"Are you aware that barbers are not cutting hair any longer?"
In a state of shock and holding up the scizzers in one hand and a comb in the other he said.
"I did not know that".
I replied: "No they are cutting hair shorter".
He smiled and carried on with his work.
436. Q. Who has the most fun when you tickle a mule?
He may enjoy it but you'll get a bigger kick out of it.
435. Q. If Johns mom has 5 sons and their names are Ja, Je, Ji, and Jo.
Who is the last one?
John.
434. On your way home you take a right and three lefts then you see two men in masks.
Who are those men?
They are the umpire and the catcher.
433. Q. What do you get when you cross Pikachu with Exeggcute?
Fried Eggs!
432. Q. What is the difference between a cat and a comma?
One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause.
431. Q. What kind of flower do you have between your nose and your chin?
Tulips.
430. Q. What's the best or fastest way to tune a banjo?
With wirecutters.
429. Q. What is the best way to keep food bills down?
Use a paperweight!
428. Q. What tools do you need in math class?
Multi-Pliers
427. Q. What did Billy say after he learned how to count money?
"It all makes cents now!"
426. Q. What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back to you?
A stick
(They're all sticks to me!)
425. Q. What did the the tie say to the hat?
You go on a head, I'll just hang around.
424. Q. What Question must you always answer yes to?
What does Y-E-S spell?
423. Q. What do you call a bear without an ear?
B
422. Q. What do you call a rabbit with fleas?
Bugs Bunny
421. Q. What do you call a Penguin in the desert?
Lost
420. Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idear?
What do you call a deer with no eyes and absolutley motionless?
Still no idear?
419. Q. What do snowmen have for breakfast?
Snowflakes
418. Q. What do you call cheese that's not your cheese?
Nacho cheese!
416. Q. What's worse than having a worm in your apple?
Taking a bite and finding a half of a worm in the apple!
415. Q. What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?
Elifino! (Hell if I know)
414. What's the difference between a love story reader and a farmer?
One reads it and weeps, the other weeds it and reaps.
413. Q. What goes up and down but never moves?
Stairs.
412. Q. What building has the most stories?
The library.
411. Q. What mostly don't you hear in school?
The H.
410. Q. What can you find in the middle of nowhere?
The letter H.
409. Q. What is at the end of everything?
The letter G.
408. Q. What is the center of gravity?
The letter V.
407. Q. What is a scarecrows favorite food?
Strawberries.
406. Q. What do you get when you cross a cocker spaniel, a poodle and a ghost?
Cockapoodleboo!
405. Q. What TV show uses the most Toilet Paper?
Jeopardy, Doo Doo Doo Doo...
404. Q. What does an envelope say when you lick it?
Nothing. It just shuts up.
403. Q. What happened at a fight in the candy store?
Two suckers got licked!
402. Q. What's the kindest vegetable?
A sweet potato.
401. Q. What happened when a fosset, egg, and a lettuce ran a race?
Well, the egg got beat, the lettuce was a head, and the fosset was still running!
400. Q. What do you get if you play a country music song backwards?
You get your wife, dog, truck, and job back.
399. Q. What do you call it when someone puts a clock on his belt?
A waist of time!
398. Q. What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer.
397. Q. What kinds of keys can't open a door?
A Turkey, Donkey, or a Monkey.
396. Q. What lies on the bottom of the sea and shakes?
A nervous wreck.
395. Q. What kind of animal cleans the sea?
A mermaid!
394. Q. What did Delaware when Mississippi lent Missouri her New Jersey?
I don't know, Alaska.
393. Q. What has wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
392. Q. What did Cinderella say while she was waiting for her photos?
Some day my prints (prince) will come.
391. Q. What did the Teddy Bear say when he was offered desert?
No thanks, I'm stuffed.
390. Q. What are good names for identical twin boys?
Pete and Repeat.
389. Q. What made the laundry turn green?
It got seasick from going round and round!
388. Q. What did zero say to eight?
"Nice belt!"
387. Q. What spells 4 and has 3 letters?
FOR
386. Q. What is part pig and part tree?
A "Porky Pine".
385. Q. What is big, white, gives milk, and has one horn?
A milk truck.
384. Q. What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter, it won't come.
383. Q. In what school do you learn how to greet people?
In hi school!
382. Q. What do snakes do after they fight?
They hiss and make up.
381. Q. What is the longest word in the world?
Smiles or Smiled.????
There is a mile between the first and last word.
380. Q. What time is it when the clock strikes 13?
Time to get a new clock!
379. Q. What is the best material for kites?
Fly paper.
378. Q. What is the best thing to use if you itch?
Scratch paper.
377. Q. What is a name for a phone system in Mexico?
Taco Bell.
376. Q. What kind of robbery is least dangerous?
A safe robbery.
375. Q. What Christmas song is this: ABCDEFGHIJK MNOPQRSTUVWXYZ
No L! (noel)
374. Q. What's the best month for a parade?
March!
373. Q. If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?
Missletoe
372. Q. If there's H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what's on the outside?
K9P
371. Q. Is being a telephone operator a business or a profession?
It is more like a calling.
370. Q. Do teenagers age fast?
No, but sometimes their parents do!
369. Q. Which dog can jump higher than a building?
Any dog, buildings can't jump!
368. Q. Which one is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
367. Q. Which city hatched in Illinois?
Chick -ago
366. Q. In which battle was Admiral Lord Nelson killed?
His last one.
364. Q. When is rabbit soup not good?
When there's a hare in it!
363. Q. Where do dogs go when they lose their tails?
To the retail store.
362. Q. Where do broken ships go?
To the dock.
361. Q. Where did the butcher dance?
At the meatball!
360. Q. Where did the king keep his armies?
Up his sleevies.
359. Q. Where do snowmen keep their money?
In a snowbank.
358. Q. Where do sheep get a hair cut?
At the baa baa shop!
357. Q. Where can you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow weigh a pie.
356. Q. Why does Snoopy want to quit the comic strip?
He's tired of working for "peanuts"!
355. Q. Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
To get to the bottom.
354. Q. Why isn't your nose twelve inches long?
Because then it would be a foot!
353. Q. Why was the math book sad?
Because it had too many problems.
352. Q. Why did the doctor tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because she didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!
351. Q. Why did they put a fence around the cemetery?
People were dying to get in!
350. Q. Why do hummingbirds hum?
Because they don't know the words!
349. Q. Why are chef's mean?
Because they beat the eggs, mash the potatoes and whip the cream!
348. Q. Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance?
Because he had no body to go with!
347. Q. Why do Gorillas have big fingers?
Because they have big nostrils!
346. Q. Why does a giraffe eat so little?
Because little goes a long way!
345. Q. Why did the mexican throw his wife out the window?
He wanted tequila.
344. Q. Why did the lady miss her husband?
Because she never shot a gun before!
343. Q. Why did Mickey Mouse get shot?
Because Donald Ducked!
342. Q. Why did the FBI arrest Santa?
Because he was out all night sleighing.
341. Q. Why did the basket ball floor get wet?
The players dribbled on it.
340. Q. Why did the man take off his door bell?
He wanted to win the NoBell prize!
339. Q. Why did the moron go to the dressing room?
To change his mind!
338. Q. Why did the red light turn red?
You would too if people watched you change!
337. Q. Why did the jelly roll?
Because he saw the apple turnover.
336. Q. Why do surgins wear masks?
If somebody makes a mistake nobody will know who did it.
335. Q. Why do parents know best?
Because they made the same mistakes before!
334. Q. Why is it possible to see through preachers?
They are holy.
333. Q. Why is Cinderella such a bad baseball player?
Because she has a pumpkin for a coach. And...
Because she ran away from the ball.
332. Q. test Why did the old house see the doctor?
A: Because it had window pains.
331. Q. Why were the little ink drops crying?
A: Because papa was in the pen and no one knew how long the sentence would be.
330. Q. How do you start a pudding race?
A. SAYGO.
329. Q. Why is an island like the letter "T"?
A: It is in the middle of "waTer".
328. Q. Why is an empty room like a room full of married people?
A: There isn't a single person in it.
327. Q. Why is Piglet so nasty?
A: Because he plays with Pooh!
326. Q. Why did the girl run outside with her purse open?
A: She heard there was going to be some change in the weather.
325. Q. Why wouldn't the Energizer Bunny come out of the bathroom?
A: Because he kept goin' and goin' and goin'!
324. Q. Why didn't the skeleton cross the busy street?
A: Because he had lost his nerves. And...
A: Because he had no guts!
323. Q. Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the dirt, and cross the road again?
A: Because he was a dirty double crosser.
322. Q. Why aren't elephant's allowed on the beach?
A: They always have their trunks down!
321. Q. Why was ten afraid of seven?
A: Because seven eight nine and he was next in line.
320. Q. Why are mountain climbers curious?
A: They always want to take another peak.
319. Q. Since he lost his hair, why is Mr. Timothy More like an American City?
A: Because he is "Bald Tim More"!
318. Q. How can you tell who is Ronald McDonald on a nude beach?
A: He has sesame seed buns.
317. Q. How many cockroaches does it take to screw on a lightbulb?
A: Can't tell. As soon as the light comes on, they scatter!
316. Q. How do you get on t.v.?
A: Sit on it.
315. Q. How much did the pirate pay for his earrings?
A: A bucaneer.
314. Q. How many penguins does it take to fly an airplane?
A: None. Penguins can't fly!
313. Q. How many letters are in the alphabet?
Really 26, but 24, since E.T. went home.
312. Q. How do you make a Kleenex dance?
A: Put a little bougee in it!
311. Q. How do you make holy water?
A: Boil the hell out of it!
310. Q. How do you make "nor do we" into one word?
A: ONE WORD
309. Q. How do you make 7 even?
A: Take away the S!
308. Q. How do you make a hot dog stand?
A: Take it's chair away.
307. Q. How do you keep a rhino from charging?
A: Take away his credit card.
306. Q. How do really small people call each other?
A: On microphones.
305. Q. How did a boy that was failing every subject get to high school anyway?
A: He rode the bus.
304. Q. How did the carpenter break his teeth?
A: He chewed his nails.
303. Q. How can you cut the sea in two?
A: With a seasaw.
302. Q. "What did one ghost say to another?"
A: "Do you believe in people?"
301. My friend has a fine watch dog.
At any suspicious noise he wakes the dog and the dog begins to bark.
300. They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.
299. Q. "Room Service? Can you send up a towel?"
A: "Please wait someone else is using it."
298. When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.
297. Q. "Where did you get those big eyes?"
A: "They came with the face."
296. I went alone on our honeymoon.
My wife had already seen Niagara Falls.
295. But the psychiatrist really helped me a lot. I would never answer the phone, because I was afraid. Now I answer it whether it rings or not.
294. Sanjay : "I passed your house yesterday."
Anil : "Thanks I appreciate it."
293. It was love at first sight.
Then I took a second look !!
292. "Look, guide, here are some lion tracks."
"Good. You see where they go and I'll find out where they came from."
291. Q. "Do you think I"ll lose my looks as I get older?"
A: "Yes if you're lucky."
290. A modern artist is one who throws paint on canvas, wipes it off with a cloth and sells the cloth.
289. Q. "Has there been any insanity in your family?"
A: "Yes, doctor. My husband thinks he's the boss."
288. I was thinking of becoming a doctor. I have the handwriting for it.
287. Q. Why did you hit your husband with a chair?"
"I couldn't lift the table."
286. "My wife doesn't know what she wants."
"You're lucky. My wife does."
285. We have a quiet home life. I don't speak to her and she doesn't speak to me.
284. Did you hear about the wife who shot her husband with a bow and arrow because she didn't want to wake the children.
283. The quickest way to make tossed salad is to give fresh vegetables to an 18-month-old child.
281. "What do use for washing dishes?"
"Oh, I tried many things but found my husband best."
280. "How is your wife getting along on her reducing diet?"
"Fine. She vanished last night."
279. "Why don't you give your husband a divorce?"
"What, I have lived with him for ten years and now I should make him happy?"
278. "Young man, do you think you can handle a variety of work?"
"I ought to be able to. I've had 12 different jobs in four months."
277. There are two kinds of secrets : one is not worth keeping and the other is too good to keep.
276. "I heard you missed school yesterday."
"Not a bit."
275. "I gotta 'A' in spelling."
"You dope! There isn't any 'A' in spelling."
274. My wife is always talking about a trip to Europe.
I have no objections - I let her talk.
273. There's one thing good about being poor - its inexpensive.
272. Summer must be over. My neighbour just returned my lawn furniture
271. Memory is what tells a man his wedding anniversary was yesterday.
270. An unmarried man has no buttons on his shirt. A married man has no shirt.
269. "My uncle has a cedar chest."
"My uncle has a wooden leg."
268. "I want some current literature." "Here are some books on electric. lightning."
267. There are two kinds of friends : those who are around when you need them, and those who are around when they need you.
266. Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets.
265. He met her in a revolving door and has been going around with her ever since.
264. Behind every successful man, there is a woman - And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two!
263. Every man/woman should marry - After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.
262. The wise never marry - And when they marry they become otherwise.
261. Success is a relative term - It brings so many relatives!
260. Never put off the work until tomorrow - what you can put off today!
259. Your future depends on your dreams - So go to sleep!?????
258. There should be a better way to start a day than waking up every morning.
257. Hard work never killed anybody - But why take the risk!
256. Work fascinates me - I can look at it for hours!
255. God made relatives - Thank God we can choose our friends!?????
254. When two's company, three's the result!
253. 82.6% of statistics are wrong...
252. 98% of the time I am right. Why worry about the other 3%
251. If you can't laugh at yourself, I'll do it for you.
250. If you can't make it good, make it LOOK good
249. Illiterate?... Write for FREE HELP!
248. Broken guitar for sale - no strings attached.
247. But I don't have an "any key" on my computer!
246. But I don't like the cat. Shut up and eat your dinner!
245. The family that sticks together should bathe more often.
244. The fridge light DOES go out. Now let me out of here!!!!
243. The more you say, the less people remember.
242. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
241. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
240. I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
239. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
238. My Wife Says I Never Listen, Or Something Like That...
237. Never hit a man with glasses... Use your fist!
236. Never put off till tomorrow what you can ignore entirely
235. He's dead Jim. Kick him if you don't believe me
234. Q. Oh yea? If you're so smart, why don't I understand you?
233. Q. Oh, I'm sorry, were the voices in my head bothering you?
232. I can't remember the last time I forgot something.
231. Time is the best teacher, but it kills all its students.
230. Q. Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
229. Q. Why remember quotes when you can make them up?
228. When I was born they fired a 21-gun salute.
Too bad they missed.
227. Q. Should women have children after 35?
No, 35 children are enough!
226. No one has ever complained of a parachute not opening.
225. Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free
Trip around the Sun.
224. Your future depends on your dreams
So go to sleep !
223. Work fascinates me.
I can look at it for hours !
222. Love is photogenic;
it needs darkness to develop
221. Children in backseats cause accidents;
Accidents in backseats cause children !
220. A Policeman catches a guy who was crossing the street at a wrong place
and shouts Why are you crossing here? Can't you see a zebra
crossing there ?
The guy replies Let the zebra cross. What can I do
219. Q. Do you know of a fellow who parked his car in front of
board which said FINE FOR PARKING
218. A drunk was hauled into court. Mister, the judge began, you've been
brought here for drinking.
Great, the drunk exclaimed. When do we get started?
217. Q. Can you do anything that other people can't?
Sure, I can read my handwriting.
216. Q. When a wife was asked: What book do you like the best?
She answers: My husband's cheque book.
215. Q. What do you get when you cross a stream and a brook?
A: Wet feet.
214. Q. What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover?
A: A rash of good luck.
213. Q. What happens when frogs park illegally?
A: They get toad.
212. Q. What has 6 eyes but can't see?
A: 3 blind mice.
211. Q. What has a lot of keys but can not open any doors?
A: A piano.
210. Q. What has one horn and gives milk?
A: A milk truck.
209. Q. What is a tree's favorite drink?
A: Root beer.
208. Q. What is the best thing to do if you find a gorilla in your bed?
A: Sleep somewhere else.
207. Q. What kind of cats like to go bowling?
A: Alley cats.
206. Q. What kind of eggs does a wicked chicken lay?
A: Deviled eggs.
205. Q. What kind of ties can't you wear?
A: Railroad ties.
204. Q. What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?
A: A dead centipede.
203. Q. What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a red car?
A: A red carnation.
202. Q. What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a pink car?
A: A pink car-nation.
201. Q. What would the country be called if everyone in it lived in their cars?
A: An in-car-nation.
200. Q. What's gray, eats fish, and lives in Washington, D.C.?
A: The Presidential Seal.
199. Q. What's green and loud?
A: A froghorn.
198. Q. What's round and bad-tempered?
A: A vicious circle.
197. Q. Where did the farmer take the pigs on Saturday afternoon?
A: He took them to a pignic.
196. Q. Where do fortune tellers dance?
A: At the crystal ball.
195. Q. Why did the doughnut shop close?
A: The owner got tired of the (w)hole business!
194. Q. How do you prevent a Summer cold?
A: Catch it in the Winter!
193. Q. How does a pig go to hospital?
A: In a hambulance.
192. Q. If a long dress is evening wear, what is a suit of armor?
A: Silverware.
191. Q. What bird can lift the most?
A: A crane.
190. Q. What bone will a dog never eat?
A: A trombone.
189. Q. What can you hold without ever touching it?
A: A conversation.
188. Q. What clothes does a house wear?
A: Address.
187. Q. What country makes you shiver?
A: Chile.
186. Q. What did one elevator say to the other?
A: I think I'm coming down with something!
185. Q. What did one magnet say to the other?
A: I find you very attractive.
184. Q. What did Tennessee?
A: The same thing Arkansas.
183. Q. What did Delaware?
A: Her New Jersey.
182. Q. What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
A: It's time to go to sweep.
181. Q. What did the rug say to the floor?
A: Don't move, I've got you covered.
180. Q. What do bees do with their honey?
A: They cell it.
179. Q. What do you call a calf after it's six months old?
A: Seven months old.
178. Q. What do you call a guy who's born in Columbus, grows up in Cleveland, and then dies in Cincinnati?
A: Dead.
177. Q. Why does the Easter Bunny have a shiny nose?
A:His powder puff is on the wrong end.
176. Q. Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team?
A: She ran away from the ball.
175. Q. Why were the teacher's eyes crossed?
A: She couldn't control her pupils.
174. Q. What do you get if you cross an insect with the Easter rabbit?
A: Bugs Bunny.
173. Q. How do you make an egg laugh?
A: Tell it a yolk.
172. Q. What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?
A: Big holes all over Australia!
171. Q. How do you make a hot dog stand?
A: Steal its chair.
170. Q. What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
A: A brick layer!
169. Q. What do you do when your chair breaks?
A: Call a chairman.
168. Q. What do you call a dinosaur that wears a cowboy hat and boots?
A: Tyrannosaurus Tex.
167. Q. What do you call a song sung in an automobile?
A: A cartoon.
166. Q. How do dinosaurs pay their bills?
A: With Tyrannosaurus checks.
166. Fuse. Some people have a short fuse; others have a long fuse. I personally have a very very long fuse; the only thing I ask of people is NOT to light me at the wrong end.
165. Q. What do you call a pig that does karate?
A: A pork chop.
164. Q. What happens if the Queen burps in public?
A: She issues a Royal pardon.
163 Q: Why did the Roman chicken cross the road?
A: She was afraid someone would caesar!
162. I think I`m a chicken.
Psychiatrist: What`s your problem?
Patient: I think I`m a chicken.
Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on?
Patient: Ever since I was an egg!
161 Bank Joke: Customer Service. I`m not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance ... she leaned over and pushed me.
160 Q. Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
A. He didn't have the guts too
159 Q. What's a mouse's favorite game?
A. Hide and squeak!!!
158 Q Why did the three little pigs run away from home?
A. Their father was a bore!
157 Q. Why couldn't the pony talk?
He was a little horse.
156 Why did the boxer date the pretty girl??
A. Because she was a knockout!?
155 Knock-Knock
Who's there?
Alex
Alex who?
Alex plain later!
154 Q. What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
A. Cliff
153 Q. What do you get when you cross a perm with a rabbit?
A Curly hare.
152 Did you hear about the chicken that wanted to take ballet lessons?
A. He wanted to be a hentertainer.
151 Question. Where does Napoleon keep his armies?
Answer: Up his sleevies!
150 Waiter! Waiter! Do you have frog's legs?
A. No, sir it's just the way I'm standing.
149 Why couldn't the butterfly go to the dance?
A. Because it was a moth-ball.
148 Q. What has one horn and gives milk?
A milk truck.
147 Confusius say, boy who brings ladder to school must be in High School.
146 Q. Why is Cinderella a bad soccer player?
A. She always runs away from the ball!
145 Q. Why is a dog scared of a fire?
A. It doesn't want to become a hot dog.
144 Q. How do you stop a rhinoceros from charging?
A. Take away its credit card
143 What gets wetter as it dries?
A towel.
142 Q: Why did the turkey cross the road?
A: To prove it wasn't a chicken.
141 Q.Why did the Teacher turn on the lights?
A. The class was a bit dim!
140 Q. Why is a psychiatrist like a squirrel?
A: Because they are both surrounded by nuts.
139 Q-What did the tie say to the hat?
A-You go on ahead while I hang around.
138 Q: How can you tell when a politician is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
137 Q: What runs around a football field and never gets tired?
A . A fence.
136 Ad outside a store specializing in jeans-wear: "Ladies have fits upstairs".
135 Q: What kind of witch goes to the beach?
A. Sandwitch
134 ?????A snail was beaten up by three slugs
133 Q. What did the fog say to the light rain after her vacation?
A. I mist you.
132 Q. Where do birds meet for coffee?
A. In a nest-cafe
131. Q. Why couldn't the coffee bean go out to play?
He was grounded.
130. Q.Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
A. He was feeling crummy!
129. A skeleton walks into a bar, "I want a beer and a mop."
128. Q Why did the teacher have to wear sunglasses?
A. Because his pupils were so bright
127. Q. What did dela wear?(Delaware)
A. Her New Jersey
126. Q. Why do bakers work so hard?
A. Because they need the dough
125. Q Why did the potato blush?
A: Because it saw the salad dressing
124. Q: Why did the parrot wear a raincoat?.
A: He wanted to be a polyunsaturated!
123. Q: What goes up but never comes down?
A: Your age.
122. Q: What did one strawberry say to another strawberry?
A: If you weren't so fresh, we wouldn't be in this jam!!
121. "Two guys walk into a bar... you'd think the second would duck."
120. One psychologist greets another on the street: "You're fine, how am I?"
119. Sign at truck stop cafe leads: Eat here diet home
118. "Doctor! Doctor! Everyone's ignoring me!"
Doctor. "Next please!"
117. Q. What is a pig's favorite karate move?
A. Pork chop.
116. Why are Saturday and Sunday so strong?
A. Because the rest are weekdays.
115. Q: If you have 4 apples and 3 oranges in one hand, and 3 apples and 4 oranges in the other, what do you have?
A. Very large hands!!
114. Q. Why did the jellybean go to school?
A. Because he wanted to be a smarty
113. Where does Ice Cream go to school?
Answer: Sundae School.
112. 1. You know you're over the hill when you are arranging your hair instead of combing it.
2. You know you're over the hill when your idea of a good workout is standing up.
3. You know you're over the hill when you start picking your teeth out of the popcorn.
111. Q. What do you call a fish with no eye?
A. A fsh
110. Confusius say, man who lives in glass house must dress in basement.
109. Q. Where does a cat go when he loses his tail?
A. Retail store!
108. Q: What sits on the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A. A nervous wreck!
107. Q: Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
A. Because they taste funny
106. Q. Dr Dr: I've only 30 seconds to live.
A. I'll see you in a minute!
105. I am reading an incredibly interesting book about antigravity.
and I just can't put it down.
104. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
103. Q. How do you get a 1 armed Antartian out of a tree?
A. Wave to him.
102. Q. Why did the pig cross the road?
A. To prove that he wasn't a chicken.
101. Do you know the difference between genius and stupidity?
A. "Genius has its limits."
100. Q. How does Bill Gates enter his house?
A. He uses "windows".
99 "All those curves and me with no brakes."
98. What did the bee say to the flower?
A. Hey bud, when do you open?
97. Why is 6 afraid of 7??
A. Because 7, 8, 9.
96. Q. Do you know how to catch a squirrel?
A. Climb a tree and act like a nut!
95. Q. What's worse than finding a worm in your apple??
A. Half a worm.
94. Q. What did baby corn say to mama corn?
A. Where's popcorn?
93. If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U and I together!
92.Knock Knock
Who's there?
Police
Police who?
Pol-e-s-e open the door!
91. Three men walked in to a bar. You'd think one of them would have seen it!
90. Q: Where do you find a dog with no legs??
A: Right where you left him.?
89. Q. How do you make holy water?
A. Boil the hell out of it.
88. Do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk by you again?
87. Confucius say: Man who want pretty nurse, must be patient.
86. My uncle, because of his beliefs, had a rabbits foot for over 35 years. His other foot was normal
85. Two snakes were in the jungle. One turns to the other and askes."Are snakes poisonouse"? The other one says "Why do you ask?" He replies "I've just bit my tongue".
84. Two muffins were in an oven. One shout's out "Taint half hot in here". The other one says "I don't believe it, a TALKING MUFFIN"
83. The police arrested two kids yesterday; one was drinking battery acid and the other eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other off.
82. The Ladies sports room was found to have a large hole in it; the police are looking into it.
81. Q.Why was the sand wet?
A. Because the seaweed
80 Q.Why couldn't the pirates play cards?
A. Because the Captain was standing on the deck
79. Q. Why did the librarian slip and fall on the library floor?
A. Because she was in the non-friction section.
78. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Clothes on.
Clothes on who?
The Library's clothes on Sunday,
but we'll be open again on Monday!
77. Why did the vampire check out a drawing book?
He wanted to learn how to draw blood.
76. Librarian: Knock knock.
Student: Who's there?
Librarian: Winnie.
Student: Winnie who?
Librarian: Winnie you going to bring back
that overdue book, hmm?
75. Q. Why was the T-Rex afraid to go to the library?
A. Because her books were 60 million years overdue.
74. Q. Why is that library book you're trying to find always in the last place you look?
A. Because once you find it, you stop looking.
73. Q. Why does an elephant use his trunk as a bookmark?
A. That way he always nose where he stopped reading.
72. Q. How can you tell if an elephant checked out a library book before you did?
A. When you open it, peanut shells fall out.
71. Q. Why does the ghost come back to the library every day for more books?
A. Because she goes through them too quickly.
70. Q. Why didn't the skeleton come back to the library with an overdue book?
A. He was too gutless.
69. Q. Why don't elephants ever pay overdue fines?
A. They always bring their books back on time. An elephant never forgets!
68. Q. What did the detective do when he didn't believe the librarian's story?
A. He booked her!
67. Q. Do you know how many librarians it takes to screw in a light bulb?
A. No, but I know where you can look it up!
66. Q. What king of medieval England was famous because he spent so many nights at his Round Table writing books?
A. King Author!
65. Q. What reference book should you put on your head to keep off the sun and rain, no matter where you go in the world?
A. A hat-las. (If you like, you can call it your "map cap.")
64. Q. What reference book should you use when you forget your shovel?
A. The dig-tionary.
63. Librarian: Knock knock.
Kid: Who's there?
Librarian: Winnie Thupp.
Kid: Winnie Thupp who?
Librarian: He's in the juvenile fiction, and so is Piglet!
62. Q. When a goose goes to the library, what books does she look for?
A. Peoplebumps books!
61. Q. If you travel to Eastern Europe, why won't you find any books in
Prague's public library?
A. They're all "Czech"ed out!
60. Part 1: Q. What building has the most stories?
A. The library, of course!
59. Part 2: Q. If a student goes to a seven-story library
and checks out seven books, how many are left?
A. None. The library had only seven stories!
58. Q. Where does a librarian sleep?
A. Between the covers.
57. Q. When a librarian goes fishing, what goes on her hook?
A. A bookworm, of course.
56. Q. What does a librarian eat dinner from?
A. A bookplate.
55. Jim said, "My dog tried to eat my library book."
"What did you do?" asked the librarian.
"I took the words right out of his mouth."
54. Q. What does the skeleton do when she goes to the library?
A. She likes to "bone up" on her favorite subject
(and we're not ribbing you, either).
53. Q. What does the Mummy do when he goes to the library?
A. He gets all wrapped up in a good book.
52. Q. What would you call a Lion that has a crown on his head; diamonds upon his toes and struts arrogantley up and down the street.
A. A dandylion.
51. Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To show the armadillo that it was possible.
50. Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from Colonel Sanders!
49. Q. Why did the chicken cross the road twice?
A. Because it was a double-crosser.
48. Q. Why did the Iraqi chicken cross the road?
A. To take over the other side.
47. Q Why did the chicken cross the playground?
A. To get to the other slide.
46. Q. Why did the chicken cross the beach?
A. To get to the other tide.
45. Q. Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
A. Chickens hadn't evolved yet.
44. Knock knock, who's there; Arthur, Arthur who? Arthuritis.
43. What made the sausage roll? He saw the apple turnover.
42. What made the lettuce blush? He saw the salad dressing.
41. What do you call a donkey with only three legs? Wonkey.
40. What do you call a camel with three humps? Humphrey.
39. There is a donkey on Blackpool beach. What would you give him for dinner? 45 minutes like everyone else has.
38. A man takes his girlfriend to a fancy dress dance. As they approach the door he takes the girl and slings her over his shoulder. The man at the door asks, what have you come as? A tortoise. Oh says the man at the door and what is that on your shoulder? That's Mechielle.
37. Doctor doctor I hurt all over. If I scratch my toe, it hurts; if I scrath my knee, it hurts. If I scratch my hand, that hurts. If I scratch my head, that hurts. If I scratch my ear, that hurts. The doctor replied, "Yes you have broken your finger".
36. A sandwich went into a bar and before he could say anything, the barman said "We don't serve food here"
35. A women went to the doctor and said that she had broken her arm in three places. The doctor replied "Don't visit those places again".
34. Two monkeys were in a bath; one turns to the other and says "oo ee ahah ohoh" the other replies; "you silly monkey turn on the cold tap first"
33. Two fish were in a tank; one turns to the other and says "Can you drive this thing".
32. I said to a gentleman enjoying the sun. "Isn't it good to see the sun" He responded drolly with "I am old enough to remember the last time we saw it".
31. A bloke goes into a pub with an animal on a lead. "A pint please" asks the man and says to the animal "Lay down".
"You can't bring that animal in here" says the barman. "Its ok" say the bloke,"he's harm less". "Sorry" says the barman "you can't bring him in here".
The bloke turns to go and leave the animal laying down.
"Don't leave that Lion there" says the barman.
"It's not a Lion says the bloke, it's a Tiger"
30. Where did the plant, the Hyacinth get its name? Because it has grown higher since yesterday.
29. Knock Knock; Whose there? Youdlayd. Youdlayd who? I didn't know you could youdall.
28. Two women walked to a bus stop. A car slowly drove to the stop and the driver wound down the window and said "Parlez vous Frances"?
The first woman slowly shook her head.
The driver then said "Sprechen de dutch"?
The first woman again slowly shook her head.
The driver then said "Parlianos Italianos"?
The first woman again slowly shook her head.
The driver slowly moved on
The second woman said "We should learn a second language"
"Why said the first woman; he can speak three and it didn't help him"
27. What do you get when two giraffes collide? A giraffic Jam.
26. The night was dark and stormy; the air was full of sleet. An old man sat out in the road; his shoes were full of feet.
25. The lightning flashed; the thunder roared and all the earth was shaken. A little pig ran away to try and save his bacon.
24. Would you say that an Egyptian policeman would make a Pharo cop?
23. Why would two smiling fish be happy swimming together? Because they both have a porpoise in life.
"Dr, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'."
Dr, "That sounds like 'Tom Jones' syndrome."
Computer Humour.
22. My watch on my wrist is called a potato clock. Why? Because is gets me "upateightoclock".
21. Crazy paving is not all that it is cracked up to be.
20. Police joke. Brighton Police station gave out the following public announcement.
"Somebody has stolen our toilet. The main Police Chief Constable wishes to state that 'At this point in time we have--nothing to go on'".
19. Doctor Joke
Q."Is it common?"
Dr, A."It's not unusual."
18. Knock knock; who's there? Doctor, Dr who? That's right.
17. Knock knock; who's there? Isabel, Isabel who? Is a bell necessary on a bike?
16. Knock Knock; who's there? Amos, Amos who? A mosqito.
15. Q. What is the differense between a Bison and a Buffalow?
A. You can wash your hands in a Bison (bason).
14. A banana went to the Dr and said "Help me Dr please help me, I am not PEELING VERY WELL".
13. Two snowmen were in a field. One turns to the other and says "Can you smell carrots?
12. Patient laughing; Dr. Dr. you have got me in stiches.
A. Dr. I see you have got my point.
11. Dr. Dr. I think I am losing my memory.
A. Just go away and forget about it.
10. Statement; It is said that money does not grow on trees.
Q. So why do Banks have branches?
9. Poems.
8. Animal humour.
7. Q. Where do frogs keep their money?
A. In a river bank.
6. Q. What do you call a Cow eating grass?
A. A lawn Mooooower.
5. Doctor Doctor; I feel like I am a pair of curtains.
A. Oh come on, pull yourself together.
4. Q. Why don't oysters give money to charity?
A. Because they are shellfish.
3. Q; What does a Cow eat for breakfast?
A. Moooousili.
2. Q. What did the Cow go to the cinema to look at?
A. Moooovies.
1. Q. What is yellow and dangerous?
A. A shark infested bowl of custard.
The end